(Three minute read)
I have said it eight different ways, I'm not sure how else I can...
YOU CAN NOT BE IN A MEANINGFUL, COMMITTED, AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP AND BE ACTIVE IN YOUR ADDICTION.
If you are married or are in one of those "we're not married, we've just been living together for nine years and have seven kids together" sort of relationships. And you are an addict who is actively using your substance i.e. booze, drugs, porn, gambling etc. You are basically "pausing the game" as far as intimacy and romantic connection is concerned. And without intimacy and connection, you're not even really married at that point. Just an asshole camper that hangs around and eats all the food and depends on player two to fill in the gaps caused by your own negligence.
Sure, you still play all the parts two people in love play. But it's lacking, and you know it's lacking. And I'm here to punch you straight in the face with ITS THE BOOZE/PORN/PILLS! realize it, or stay there in your denial. At some point I'm getting you out here in this abundant life my friend. Bet.
Over Valentine's day I saw some broken hearts via social media (which prompted this post), it really sucked to watch, but I wasn't really surprised. Booze, celebrating, then fighting typically all go hand in hand. Those of us that are in recovery see these things 100 light years away. We have doctorates in denial and a bachelor's in bullshit. So when we hear Diana say "I don't know why Scott always yells at me, or why we're even fighting right now". My recovery club and I all shoot each other looks like "riiiiight" wHaT eVer cOuLd iT bE!?!? "Daiquiri Diana wants to know why she's always fighting with Jell-O shot Scott."
Normies, if your SO is using, you need to speak up. Keeping quiet prolongs the misery for both of you. For a lot of us addicts it was tough love that got us to finally get sober. For others, including myself, it takes completely ending the relationship and sending us on our way.
Being assertive isn't always easy, and they're going to get dramatic. They're going to lie and yell and point fingers. None of that matters. YOU matter MOST. It sounds conceited, but it's how you have to think to set clear boundaries with your addict.
It's no question addicts are the most dynamic people in the world so once they're sober, you're in for a treat! But know your limits and know when to walk away. YOU have to make that decision for both player one and player two. Don't be campers.
Authored February 14th 2019