More on normies and boundaries.

When working with addicts and their families there is one constant that I see more often than anything else. And that is misconceptions of what boundaries actually are.

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People are mixing up boundaries with expectations, threats, and ultimatums.

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If you're setting a boundary with a loved one you need to understand that the loved one has little to do with the task, if anything at all. The work, sacrifice, and follow through are all jobs you're assigning to yourself. You're basically saying to yourself "I do not deserve to be treated this way and I can not allow this to continue in my life." It's very easy to put a loved ones wants, needs, and desires in front of your own. And I'm telling you, this is where you are fucking up. YOU are #1 and the addict/loved one is #2, ALWAYS. 

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Here is a recent scenario that demonstrates what I'm talking about. A mother calls me about her son, she says...

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"He's always needing money, he says it's for gas or food but then he comes home high."

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So I will say... "You need to set a financial boundary with him, let him know you will no longer be giving him money for ANY reason."

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Literally a week later she calls back...

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"He came home higher than a kite today and I just don't know what to do! I'm beside myself!"

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And I'll ask...

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"Did you set the boundary we talked about?"

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And she'll say...

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"Yes"

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And I'll ask...

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"Did you give him money?"

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And she'll say...

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"....   ......   well, he needed money to fix his bike tire to get to work, I can't just let him lose his job!"

🙄🙄🙄😐🔫

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Newsflash: YES YOU CAN! Houses, jobs, girlfriends, wives, cars, relationships, obligations are ALL replaceable and rebuildable... a person's life is NOT.

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You must do what you say you're going to do, a boundary is not an altimatum to the addict, it's a promise to yourself. Keep that promise normies, it will improve your quality of life and incidentally help your loved one get their act together.

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Trust me on this, I'm a professional alcoholic (retired)